La Tua Kaluha
by Im2xshy
Summary: Vampires can't get drunk...right? A quirky little one shot.


_**A/N:**_** There are times when this story puts our favorite vampire family in a situation they would never have found themselves in, making decisions they never would have made and so, as a result, may seem out of character. That is the point of the story. It's quirky and light-hearted, with a moment or two of not so much, so please read it in the spirit with which it was written and intended. It is not intended to be a very long story, just something that lasts the span of days, something short and, hopefully, quirky. **

**Jasper**

Creeping through the trees with agility and stealth like, well, no other creature known to man really, I hone in on my prey. It's not what I wanted. Emmett and I were really feeling some seafood, but we were ill prepared for it on this trip and the saltwater would ruin our clothes. Emmett says who cares, but he's not married to Alice. Nothing, and I do mean _nothing_, pisses off my sweet pixie more than a douse in the ocean in designer duds.

So, I'm settling for black-tailed deer. It's kind of like hitting the drive through at McDonalds when you could be at a _good_ restaurant. But the hunting was good in the Cascades and this is really just a snack.

Emmett and I strike the herd together, snapping the necks of four of them instantaneously and the remaining three take off. We let them go.

I drink deeply from my deer, letting my mind wander and pretend that the animal is actually a human. Of course, it doesn't work. Not really. Nothing compares to the sweet nectar of human blood, but I was tired of being a vampire thug. Between you and me, sometimes I imagine my prey is a human I know; for instance, one from school who has been particularly annoying lately. I've killed Mike Newton in my head quite a few times; I got Jessica Stanley once too.

It's Mike Newton's relentless pursuit of Bella that did him in.

And no, I have never pretended that Bella was my prey…at least not through to completion. In the beginning, it was harder. Edward's first reaction to Bella was so strong that it, quite frankly, had a ripple effect through the family. We had to know who had caused this disturbance in our family; what was so special about this human that she could level my brother in that manner?

Getting used to having a human around so much was and remains not easy. Not only does she smell pretty tasty, but she's so trusting. She thinks nothing of being near us, touching us, hugging us, smacking Emmett in the arm, and invariably hurting herself in the process, when he's said something outrageous. And she _can_ do that around most of us and not worry: Edward certainly, Carlisle and Esme for sure. Alice had a little trouble in the ballet studio, but she lasted the longest.

I have the highest respect for my brother, but its Alice's love for Bella that makes me so determined not to be the one in the family that screws up and hurts her. So far, it's worked. I've also been hunting a lot more lately. I typically keep a pretty decent distance when I'm around her, but her birthday is coming up and Alice wants to throw her a party. Of course. It's a pain in the ass, but I can't deny my wife this kind of happiness. Bella is her best friend and she just lights my wife up like a torch. I think in her enthusiasm she tends to overwhelm Bella a bit, but Bella would never admit that kind of thing. She's got a good heart and if getting gussied up like a pageant contestant every now and then makes Alice happy then Bella will suffer through it in silence, which of course makes Edward crazy.

Alice has also been dropping hints that she wants Bella to spend the night and have a girls' sleepover. I would _assume_ that she'll wait to do that until a night like this when we're out hunting, but honestly, I don't think Edward would miss the opportunity to be home with Bella there all night. Of course, he spends the night at Bella's house, but Bella is a 17 year old human with a father who's a cop, and she has a curfew and has rules she has to follow. Carlisle and Esme are certainly our mother and father _figures_, but they don't enforce any kind of rules, but one. You live in this coven, you hunt animals. That's that.

Of course, Emmett and I have slipped up. We haven't in a very, very long time. Decades really. But since we met Bella, we all hunt more. It's unspoken, but nobody wants to be the one who slips up with Bella. I couldn't imagine what something like that would to do my brother.

No, actually, I can. James sent him into a psychotic frenzy. I had never seen Edward so singularly focused on destroying anything like that before since I've known him. He would have done well with Maria if that focus were to be redirected. Over our objections, Edward insisted on watching James' masochistic little home movie. I think if we could cry, he would have wept; we all would have. It was sick the way James toyed with her, the way he clearly got off on her screams. I was pissed enough on Alice's behalf, but I didn't have to see her tossed around like a rag doll, thrown into glass, watch helplessly as her bones were broken in torture.

No, I never have and never will have to see Alice go through something like that.

But seeing Edward watch that video was _nothing_ compared to seeing his reaction in the ballet studio. He was so determined to hunt and kill James, but as soon as he saw Bella broken and dying on the floor, he cared nothing for him. He left killing the monster who did that to her completely to us. He threw James off of Bella and then proceeded, for lack of a better term, to completely lose his shit over her.

She was screaming in agony; he was begging in desperation. I know what happened after Emmett and I killed James, but it's only because of what Alice told me. As soon as James was destroyed, Emmett and I hightailed it out of there. Bella's blood was _everywhere_. I just don't know how the others withstood it. And Edward…he sucked the venom back out of her, and some of her blood in the process. I don't know where he found the will to stop, I don't think I'll ever truly understand that, but his stock skyrocketed in my opinion.

And so I do know what he would do when and if he loses her. It will be something desperate that gets him destroyed by the Volturi, which I'm sure will cause a very big mess in our family, since Carlisle is fond of the Volturi and Emmett and I will be honor bound to avenge our brother, despite the fact that we've been exposed to a human and that's a no-no in our world.

I agree with Emmett. Edward should just change Bella and shut up about it already. I'd do it myself if I had one iota of the resistance Edward and Carlisle do, which I don't.

Emmett pulls me out of my reverie when he stands up from his kill and lets out what I can only describe as a giggle. I sit back and look at him as he sways around. My head feels kind of strange. Odd. Emmett presses one palm to his head and giggles again. "What the hell?"

"My thoughts exactly." I say arching a brow at him. "You sound like a fucking girl."

"I feel very weird."

I do too, but I'm not going to cop to it just yet.

"Well, you _are_ very weird."

He looks at me and squints like he's trying to concentrate on something. "This is freaky; there's two of you, man."

"What?"

"You. There's two of you. You and the guy sitting next to you. Ha! You really _do_ have a twin! Rose will be happy she doesn't have to play that part anymore." He sits down on a rock, giggling and generally feeling very proud of himself right now.

My head starts swimming too and I can't help but smile. I feel very…happy right now. Happiness rolls off Emmett in waves too. What _is_ this place?

"Have you ever felt like this?" Emmett asks.

"No, never."

"Do you think it was the deer?"

"You mean like when humans say they ate bad fish?"

"I have the overwhelming urge to build a campfire and sing Kumbiya."

"I'll help you build the fire, but I ain't singin' that." I stand up from my spot and am surprised when I actually loose my balance. "Whoa."

"Yeah!" Emmett shouts. "This is…_awesome_!"

I look over my brother…both of them…and grin wickedly. "We have to bring Edward back here."

**Edward**

"Hold on, hold on." I say trying to decipher Jasper and Emmett's thoughts as I meet up with them in the woods to hunt. Their brains are on warp speed. I've never seen either one of them think this quickly. Deer, fires, the San Juans, are flickering through their minds on fast forward. They're really amped up.

"I'm not catching all this."

"Bro, we ate these deer and got totally looped!" Emmett bursts. "You _have_ to come back with us. I'm so whacked right now!"

I watch as he and Jasper remember the feelings of lightheadedness, confusion, and giddiness that they experienced. They still seem a little…excited.

"A breed of deer did this?" I ask.

"Yeah, we were going to have seafood, but Mary here didn't want to piss off Alice." Emmett hooks a thumb in Jasper's direction who hisses at him.

I'm a ridiculously, over-educated individual. I've taken every science course out there, more than once in a few cases, so what they're telling me of course piques my interest, but it also makes me a little wary. How is it possible that we could be affected by something like that? What damage could it do? We're pretty indestructible for the most part and stuff just doesn't impair our senses. Nothing's strong enough to do it.

"Maybe Carlisle knows what it is." I say off-hand as I catch the scent of an elk herd.

"Don't tell Carlisle!" Emmett immediately bursts out.

"Why?"

"I don't know; what if he gets pissed?"

"Why would he be mad?" I counter.

"I'm just…not ready for him to know yet." Emmett says. "Right now, we just want to take you there." Both their thoughts are kind of scattered right now, so it's difficult to get a bead on their train of thought.

I have to confess: as a mind reader, I'm fascinated by the erraticism of their thoughts right now. I know their minds well and how they work; how they're wired so to speak and right know; their wires are very much crossed. Bella is the only person in my life that's unpredictable, typically speaking. Right now, Emmett and Jasper fall into that category too. Neither one of them is retaining a thought for very long.

"I don't know." I say unsure.

"Dude, don't let us down." Emmett argues. "It's not easy to hang with you for any length of time lately."

"What the hell does _that_ mean?" I demand.

"Just that. You spend all your time with Bella." She shrugs. "I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I get it. I'm just saying I want to hang out with you too. I think this would be fun for the three of us. It's something _different_."

There's a reason I spend all my time with Bella. A few of them actually. One, I'm mad about her and I'll admit to a bit of obsession over her. Two, her scent. The longer I'm away from her, the harder it is to control when I do see her again. Do you know what it's like to be recklessly in love someone to the point where the longer you go without seeing them, the more intense the urge to _kill_ them is? I didn't think so. I'm here to tell you, it sucks.

"You know, you've had Rose for decades, Emmett. Both of you have had ample time alone with your mates. I just got mine. It's just been me for a century and when it finally _is_ my turn I get a _human_, so cut me some slack here, I've got a lot to deal with. Neither one of you legitimately want to kill the woman you love."

"Don't get testy; I told you I didn't mean anything by it." Emmett grumbles, dropping down onto a boulder to sulk.

"_Bro, go bag an elk. We'll wait here."_ Jasper, the voice of reason intercedes. _"You know how Bella says you get cranky when you're hungry. We'll talk about the deer thing later." _

I take off in the direction of the scent. It feels good to open up and run, not as good as it does when I'm running with Bella, but the feeling of freedom is pretty euphoric. It clears my head and right now, after that little show from their minds, my head needs to decompress. How bizarre; how intriguing. I'm still not sure what I think about it, but it's awfully tempting.

**Jasper**

I think it's possible that even if I weren't as attuned to Bella's moods as I was to my family's, I would still have a hard time _not_ noticing her sheer elation when she sees our car pull into the high school lot. Her mood is immediately lifted and I smirk.

"What's so funny?" Alice demands.

"Bella." I reply. "She's happy."

Alice smiles and looks over to where Bella is standing with a group of her friends. The anticipation radiating off of her makes me chuckle as Alice and I get out of Emmett's Jeep with him and Rosalie. Bella's face falls. Disappointment. I chuckle again. Edward's right behind us.

It's Alice's turn to laugh as she has no doubt seen the events that now transpire.

As soon as Bella sees Edward's Volvo pull into the parking lot, she breaks out in a sprint across the lot. This, of course, is dangerous for many people, but mostly Bella. She's running at her top speed towards Edward, whose eyes widen a bit in alarm as he sees her flying recklessly across the parking lot, not paying any attention to whether or not any cars might be in her way. Bella and Edward don't have a whole heck of a lot of luck in this lot.

She's going to fall…

She's going to fall…

She's going to…

Well, I'll be damned, she made it! Right before she reaches him, she launches herself into the air and he catches her. He takes a step back when she makes contact, not to brace himself for the impact, but to make it a little easier on her, since she just more or less threw herself at a tree.

She wraps her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. He buries his face in her hair as she envelops him with every inch of her humanness.

I don't know how he does it; I really don't. It's taking every ounce of my self-restraint not to pounce on her from just her running by and stirring up the breeze. It's not just her heartbeat, racing from the exertion of running and excitement of seeing Edward again after we've been gone hunting, but when he's parted from her, he has to desensitize himself against her overpowering scent. He so rarely will permit himself to be gone for more than 24 hours at a time, which is why he didn't come with Emmett and I to the Cascades, but rather met up with us after our curious adventure.

"Bella," he sighs. The anxiousness I've been getting from him is replaced with contentment and relief that she made it through the separation without any disasters befalling her.

She crushes her lips to his. The natural feeling of thirst for her blood, despite the fact that he's just returned from hunting, is so fleeting, he probably hasn't even acknowledged it.

She, I'm sure, is blissfully unaware of any danger to her safety right now, relying on Edward's unfailing love for her to quash his natural instinct to kill her right this moment. It is not something she thinks about, I'm sure, because it is not something she needs to worry about with him. He would never hurt her. Ever.

The rest of us, unfortunately, cannot make a similar statement.

Edward's love comes at a pretty high cost. "Opportunity cost" he likes to call it. He gently eases her back down and puts a more tolerable distance between them, which doesn't do him a lick of good as she keeps their hands linked and starts to bounce up and down with excitement. This causes her body to intermittently bump into his. So not only does a vampire who lusts after the human's blood before him have said human rubbing her scent all over him, but a 17 year old boy who lusts after the 17 year old girl has her bouncing her body around in front of him. A double whammy.

"Guess what?" she says full of enthusiasm. "Everyone's going to the beach tonight for a bonfire."

Here's where Bella's balloon gets deflated.

"Bella…" he starts.

"They're not going to LaPush, Edward, they're going to Joyce!"

He's apprehensive. That's just his natural default mood when having Bella out there in the open with him. "So we can go, right?" She rises to her toes so she can look directly into his eyes and plead her case.

He immediately feels defeated.

"How can I deny a bouncing Bella?" he quips.

"Oh!" She stops and looks disappointed again. "I think Jacob Black has been invited." Bella is well aware of the treaty that our family has with the Quileutes. She understands that the Black family does not hold us in high regard, though she says Jacob doesn't believe the legends. I think he just tells her that because he has a bit of a crush on our Bella and doesn't want to give her any added reasons not to hang out with him.

Edward groans.

"Please, Edward, _please_?" she begs. She goes on, though she certainly doesn't need to. "It will be so romantic! The stars, a fire, you and me…" And a bunch of other hormonal teenagers…

Edward looks over to us.

"Sounds like fun! Count us in, too!" Alice beams.

What! Lovely. Me, darkness, and a couple of dozen unsuspecting, tasty humans. Yes, that sounds like a fantastic idea. Alice feels the need to support Edward though. I wonder if I have time to shoot up to the San Juans first and bag a few of those deer. That'll help me get through it.

Edward looks at me and arches a brow. _"What? I'm telling you, dude, it was nuts!"_

I don't think he's sold on the idea. When did he get to be such a square? He reaches behind Bella's shoulders and punches me in the arm. Alice snickers.

"You could have stopped it." I scowl to her.

"I could have." She shrugs. She's evil. I love her so much.

"I'm so excited!" Bella continues. And she is. She's bubbling over at doing something with a group of people with Edward as a couple. Something that doesn't involve dancing. She's also finally got that cast off too, so she can walk around without all the awkwardness…or less of the awkwardness anyway. "I'm glad you're coming." She says to me. And I can feel that she genuinely is.

How do I end up getting roped into this stuff?

**Edward**

"Geez, Bells, it's not _that_ cold." Jacob Black razzes her, from the other side of the fire, of course, as he sees her in a hooded sweatshirt and sweatpants.

"I have thin blood." She mutters in return. She sits down in the sand on a blanket next to Alice and I sit on the driftwood log behind her. She settles back between my knees and my arms fall over her shoulders. Of course, _this_ is why she's bundled up, so I don't give her pneumonia. The other girls are dressed similarly, though Alice is much more fashionable about it, but Jacob wouldn't dare say anything to _them_, it's just Bella he wants to get a rise out of.

I'm so lucky.

I want to tear his arms off.

Mike Newton has many faults, but I have to grudgingly admit he's pretty good at getting a fire going. Someone turns on some music, someone else brings out snacks, predictably someone else got beer from their older brother, but Bella politely declines that. Jasper accepts one though for show. He puts a small puncture in the bottom of the can, so it can slowly leak out into the sand and he doesn't have to fake drink it. This only enhances his image as the scariest guy here.

There are exactly four boys here who wish that I would meet with an accident so they can move in on my girl. I sincerely hope they don't think about her all night. This is why I'm known to be dark and brooding; I have to listen to these pups fawn over my beloved. I've got news for these little maggots. I've waited for her for 80 God damn years and it's going to take a lot more than "accidentally driving my stupid flashy Volvo off a cliff" to get rid of me. Puppy crushes. I'd like to crush their –

"Are you all right?" Bella asks me softly.

"Yes, of course." I nod, adding extra innocence to my expression.

"Thank you for agreeing to take me. I've only done this the one time and I spent all night wishing you were here."

My dead heart melts right down to my toes.

"And doing recon work." I smirk.

"Well, it's not like _you_ were forthcoming with the information back then." She mumbles and then leans her head on my inner thigh. I try to keep the more vulgar thoughts from surfacing. I am a hormonal teenage boy after all and the feeling of her body bouncing against mine is still quite fresh.

However, her actions have sparked crude thoughts among the other boys on what they'd envision happening if her head were positioned in that spot in _their_ laps. My fists clench as I'm forced to remind myself that they're just teenage fantasies and none of them will ever get a hold of her. But just to piss them off and instill more jealously, I lean down and kiss her exposed neck. Her hair is piled up in a messy, sexy mass on her head, leaving her delectable throat open for me. It's the little things like that she does that drive me absolutely wild.

I chuckle against her skin as she turns her head to me. "What?" she smiles.

"Nothing."

"Something."

"Would you think less of me if I told you I was marking my territory, so to speak?"

She rolls her eyes. "Male insecurity rears its ugly head. Like you have anything to be worried about."

"I know." I murmur and kiss her lightly on the lips too as the venomous thoughts bounce around inside my head. "But a guy's got to have some fun."

She settles herself back down and she, Alice, Angela and Jessica get involved in some trite conversation about the current "it" celebrities in Hollywood. Alice, of course, is the most knowledgeable.

Jasper takes advantage of the situation to return to his and Emmett's plight to get me to go back to that hunting spot again with them.

"_We should go tonight."_ He says in his mind.

I shake my head. I was hunting last night and the night before. _"Come on. She'll fall asleep; you can run up with us then." _

"I can't be away from her that much." I remind him. I suffer a lot to be with her and I do it gladly, but I also don't think I need to do it needlessly. Hunting out of necessity to ensure her safety is one thing; being separated from her unnecessarily is another all together. Bad things happen to Bella when I'm not around. Of course, bad things happen to her when I _am_ around too, but at least I'm there to save her.

"_You're such a girl; when did you become so boring?"_

"I nailed you once today for that."

"_Please."_

"You know what it's like for me."

"_Dude, we're not asking you to go away with us for a month! It's the San Juans, it'll be a few hours." _

"What if that was just a random occurrence?"

"_What if its not?"_

"I still think we should talk to Carlisle about it. It doesn't seem right that that happened."

"_No, no way. We're not talking to Carlisle and Esme. Give me a break; we're not children. We're free to do whatever we want. Go where we want, for as long as we want, do what we want. They're not our keepers."_

He's right, of course, but he doesn't have the same relationship with Carlisle that I do. I know what it feels like to know I've disappointed him. That kind of behavior is kind of expected from Jasper and Emmett; it's not from me. And if hunting these deer is so innocent, what's the big deal about keeping it from Carlisle and Esme? It's just like these kids here at the fire keeping the fact that they're drinking beer a secret from their parents.

Suddenly, things fall into place in my head. That's exactly what it's like. Teenage rebellion. Something _human_. Bella's out past curfew; her father thinks she's sleeping over Angela's, who's parents think she's sleeping over Jessica's, who's parents think she's sleeping over Bella's…

Doing something rebellious is typical of people my age. It's an experience that can be shared later with Bella's, and in some cases I have to admit _my_ human friends, albeit the details would have to be altered a bit. And just like that, I make my decision.

"All right, I'm in."

"_Yes!"_ Victory, thy name is Jasper.

But I know that's what Bella wants deep down. She wants to balance her human world with mine and find a happy medium. Decades and decades of experience and being around humans has trained me to not kill them and she missed all that hardship and sees only how successfully my family mingles in the human world. And she wants that. She wants to hang out with her friends and me as a couple. She's the reason for my existence and her happiness is all I want. I'll do whatever it takes to keep her happy…happy and with _me, _continuously interested in _me_ and not one of these little human mongrels.

Besides, they're just deer.

**Edward**

"Whoa."

"We _told_ you, man!" Emmett's elation and giddiness abounds.

My head is spinning, the trees are swaying on a windless night, there are two visions of both my brothers. Is there another me? Can I see another me too? What is _up_ with these deer?

I clamp my hand over my mouth when an involuntary giggle escapes. I giggled? I _can_ giggle? I can't believe I didn't want to do this! Who wouldn't want to feel this way? I feel happy, I feel light, I feel a little guilty…

I drop down hard where my brothers have started a fire. "Oh my God, this is crazy!" I say, then I fall back and look up at the stars and begin to count. I lost my place three times. How is that possible? My brain just processes that kind of thing. I just look up at the stars and instantly know how many there are.

As I stare up at the stars while Emmett and Jasper laugh about…something…I'm reminded of the time I escaped to Alaska after I met Bella. I remember staring up at the stars then and feeling incredibly lonely, despite Tanya's having come by and kept me company.

I sigh and press my palms to my eyes.

"What? What's wrong?" Jasper asks.

"Nothing. I just miss Bella."

"Well, you should, man; Bella's pretty awesome!" Emmett's voice has taken on a surfer boy quality. He sounds…stoned. Well, I guess he _is_ stoned. Again, I am compelled to wonder what is up with these deer?

"She is awesome." I agree.

"Very." Jasper puts in and I turn my head, which is still on the ground, and look at him.

"Really? You think so?"

"You'd know if I didn't." Jasper says.

"I guess." I shrug looking back up at the stars. "But you could be filtering your thoughts around me. You always keep your distance."

"Because you _told_ me to keep my distance. You don't trust me to keep my control."

He says it that so off-hand, so matter-of-fact, that I frown. "Wow, Jasper, when you put it that way that makes me sound pretty shitty."

"I don't think it's shitty." He shrugs. "I think you're overprotective of the woman you love. You have good reason to be."

"Of course he does!" Emmett joins in again. "It's because she's _awesome_! I'm glad you met her, dude. She's really cool."

"Yeah." I agree and we fall silent.

"_Let's go see her."_

Emmett's brilliant.

"Okay!"

We spring to our feet and head for home. I'm coming, my Bella!

**Alice**

I glare at Things 1, 2 and 3 as they stumbled up to the Swans' front steps. Are they kidding me?

"No," Edward says, answering my thought. "I came for Bella." I immediately push _that_ out of my head and he furrows his forehead in equal parts concentration and frustration.

"She's not here." I say slowly.

"Not here?" Edward frowns, then steps back and looks up at her dark bedroom window. "I don't hear her."

"Because. She's. Not. Here." I say again.

"But I want to see her." He whines. He actually whined. What is _with_ the three of them?

"I don't think the three of you are in any condition to be around her or any other human being right now."

Edward steps forward, waves his hands and shakes his head. "No, no, Alice. _I_ won't hurt her."

"As long as you are in this condition, Edward, you will not see Bella." I decree.

"I don't understand." Jasper slurs. "_What_ condition?"

"How do you feel right now, Jasper?" I counter. "How do the three of you feel?"

He purses his lips, looks up to the sky and thinks about it. "Well, we feel a little happy – no, we feel a lot happy! I feel a lot of love around me…not so much from you right now though. What's the matter, Sunshine? Do you not feel well?"

I grab the adorable idiot by the ear and yank. Edward winces; Emmett lets out a quick laugh; and Jasper yelps. He's lucky I didn't pull the ear right off his stupid head!

"My husband and his idiot brothers have just descended on my best friend's house drunk out of their minds. How do you expect me to feel?

"What! Nooooooooo!" Emmett says. "How can that be?" He waves a hand, but the motion knocks him off balance a little bit and he takes a step to the side.

"I've seen you idiots in this same area twice now." I squint my eyes at him and he immediately loses his shit-eating grin at my death glare.

"Alice," Edward says softly. He takes a step forward and holds up his hands in peace. He's kidding me, right? "Just tell me where Bella is, and we'll leave you alone."

"No."

"She's my human!" he snaps, then immediately his eyes widen and he smacks a hand over his mouth. Too late.

"She's. _Your_. _Human?"_ I hiss softly. "Is that how you think of her, you asshole? As your _pet_? Something you can play with and take out and put away at your fucking chauvinistic whim! Are you that much of a Neanderthal beast?"

"Alice, baby, you know he didn't mean it that way." Jasper says. I tug his ear again and his hands come up to my wrist. He doesn't fight me though. He knows better.

I glare back at Edward and drop my voice so low humans wouldn't stand a chance of hearing it.

"You better hope that I _never_ let her know you said that. And you better start thinking about exactly how much that's worth to you."

Edward tries again. "Alice, I feel remorse."

"You're going to feel my foot up your ass in a minute." I snap. He falls silent, but I know that look. He continues to root through my head.

"Let's get back to the drunk thing." Emmett says. He's trying to keep the peace, or at least get me to release Jasper. I have no intention of doing that just yet. "How is that possible?"

"What am I?" I shoot back. "A fucking vampire scientist? Since you left your little pow wow in the woods, I've seen you stumble over rocks, run into trees and Emmett almost got hit by a car. How do _you_ describe your behavior? The three of you are clearly under the influence of something. Now, tell me where you've been going."

"Nowhere specific." Jasper mutters. I give a yank and damn if I don't hear a bit of a tear.

"Ow! Shit, Alice! Oh, shit! Stop! Stop!" This time Jasper does apply pressure to my wrist, but not enough to force me to release him. Because I feel bad about the partially tearing his ear off thing, I let him go. He immediately tries to repair the damage.

"Holy shit, Alice." Emmett says in awe. "You've got to get a grip. You're a psychopath."

I take issue with that, reach out like lighting, grab him closer to me and smack him in the head so hard, I'm surprised it didn't come off his shoulders. He's so stoned he never even saw it coming. Then I turn back to Edward.

"If you do not want me to send Bella _farther away than she already is…"_ I pause for effect here. His eyes widen then squint again in concentration as he tries to take advantage of what he's hoping is my open mind to where I've stashed his girlfriend. "…then you will stop messing around and tell me where you've been."

"No place weird." Jasper pipes in, rubbing his ear. "We were up in the San Juan Islands."

"Orcas." Edward says quickly. "In the park."

"What did you eat?"

"Just some black-tail deer." He replies.

"No sea animals?" I ask. Sometimes we'll do a little ocean hunting, but not often. That tends to ruin clothes, and I think everyone knows how I feel about that.

"No!" Edward says earnestly. "Just deer."

I consider this. It sounds like a lie, quite frankly, but I don't see that they've made any kind of pact to keep this little secret from anyone other than Carlisle and Esme, which leads me to believe that though they can't explain it, they know what this species of deer does to vampires. This is very interesting. Carlisle will be very interested when he does find out. And he _will_ find out. They can't go on this way forever and he's going to want to know how an animal can cause such a reaction in vampire venom.

I look back to Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber. "How did you discover this the first time? You two don't hunt deer."

"We were on our way back from the Cascades and decided to take the scenic route." Emmett says. Sounds like half-truth so I look over to Jasper.

Not wanting to lose his whole ear, he caves like a house of cards. "We were going to try to catch a whale." He blurts. I'll deal with _that_ later. "We were in Moran State Park, on the outskirts actually and we saw a herd of deer, so we figured, why not? How were _we_ supposed to know!"

"And so you immediately decided this was going to be a return trip." I concluded. "Like some kind of vampire bar? Your local watering hole? None of you ever thought what being around a human like this could do?"

They all look at the ground, Emmett actually kicks at something. Now they really _do_ feel remorse. "I'm sorry, Edward." I say finally cutting them some slack. "But while you're in this state, I'm just not letting you anywhere near Bella. It's just too risky. You'll thank me for it later."

"She's my singer." He whispers and looks so damn forlorn.

"What?" I ask.

"_La Tua Cantante_." He replies, his eyes wide with an innocence he hasn't had in 80 years. "She's called my singer because her blood sings to me."

"Well, she's not singing to you tonight. Don't bother trying to find her; I've already seen you at home. When you've sobered up or recovered from this, I'll go get her."

I watch as the three of them turn slowly and disappear back into the night. My poor idiot brothers. They really only did want to hang out with Bella. But I have no idea what caused this sort of behavior in them and no idea how to predict what they're capable of. They would never intentionally hurt her, but they were stumbling over rocks. Vampires don't stumble over anything.

I won't tell Carlisle though I know he'll find out and do a deeper investigation. I'm female enough to admit to being extremely irked by their juvenile behavior; however, vampires are adventurous creatures, so I also confess that my curiosity is piqued.

Black-tailed deer? Who knew?

**Bella**

"Hello?"

"BELLA! My only love, Isabella!"

"Edward!" It's so good to hear his voice. Alice was so weird before. The last time I got swept away like that was when James was tracking me and Alice was just as desperate this time as she was then. I dropped my voice out of habit. I'm not likely to wake anyone up at the Bed and Breakfast as I think I'm the only guest. "Edward, I was so worried! Alice only told me you weren't yourself. What does that mean? Are you all right?"

"I am now that I can hear your voice."

I sigh into the phone. He says the most wonderful things to me. I never thought I'd have someone like Edward. But the lack of answers I'm getting is frustrating. "Well, what's wrong? Why can't I see you?"

"That's a very good question, my sweet Bella, and – Oh, I've got your scent!"

"What? What do you mean? You're looking for me? Why can't I see you?"

"I can think of no reason why." He says confidently. He does sound a little…off, but if he's not insisting I stay put then there must not be any danger. Alice was very vague; she only said that she had to 'hide' me and that under no circumstances was I to see Edward. So I just assumed that the trouble was centered around him. It must be all right now if he's coming to get me and he'd better explain exactly what's going on!

"A Bed and Breakfast? She brought you to a Bed and Breakfast?" He says into his phone. I throw back the curtains to my window and see him below waving back. "Come down my hidden princess!"

"I'll be right there." I smile into the phone. I'm getting out of here! My beautiful white knight has come to save me from whatever the hell the mystery danger was.

As quietly as I can, so as not wake at least the innkeepers, I hurry downstairs and unlock the front door. I'm flying down the front steps and towards the love of my life, when the look on his face stops me in my tracks. I practically skid to a halt.

Oh my God, I know that look. I saw that look the very first day we met in Biology. He wanted to kill me then. The urge and need were so overpowering he bolted from the class and hid in Alaska for days.

"Go inside Bella." His voice is low, threatening, even chilling.

"Edward?" I squeak out. I'm stunned to see this look again. I didn't think I'd ever see him like this around me again. Is this a joke? No, he'd never joke like this.

"GO INSIDE!" I'm shocked speechless at him raising his voice in such a way to me. He doesn't get angry with me. Not when I follow his specific directions like I just did. I don't get it; what's going on?

My eyes fill up with tears as I ache for him. "Edward, what's wrong? I don't understand. Did I do something?"

I take a step forward but am immediately blocked by Alice. She's got Rosalie and Esme with her and together they make quite the formidable team against their brother. Alice and Esme stand in front of me like a fortified wall, while Rosalie grips Edward's arms. His eyes are black fury, locked on me over Alice's shoulder.

"Alice, get her inside; please for the love of God, get her inside!"

"Come on, Edward." Rosalie says. Her tone surprised me. It's firm, and there's obviously no room for negotiations, but there's almost an understanding quality in it; a compassion I never saw her exhibit before, especially to Edward.

Alice turns, scoops me up and runs me back into the Bed and Breakfast and up to my room. Esme has followed her and stands guard at the door. Alice is a blur as she anxiously paces in front of the window. "It's okay." She says almost more to herself than to me. "Rosalie's taking him home and she's staying with him. I didn't see him make up his mind to come, not until he was already here. I was too busy policing Jasper and Emmett."

"What do Jasper and Emmett have to do with anything?" I demand. "Alice, tell me what's the matter with him."

"I think you'd better explain, Alice." Esme says quietly. "This is very serious."

Alice stops her pacing, looks chagrined at Esme and then looks at me straight in the eye. "I'm pretty sure they're drunk, Bella."

What? Drunk? Edward can't drink alcohol. When I say as much to Alice, she just shrugs and shakes her head in response. "I don't really know." She confesses. "I've seen them once before – or Jasper and Emmett anyway – this is Edward's first time. I don't know _how_ it happens or really what exactly it is, but there's a species of deer in the San Juan Islands that they've hunted twice now and have somehow made them intoxicated. Jasper and Emmett convinced Edward to come with them. They made the decision in their little stupor to come find you; Edward just wanted to see you; but I saw _this_. I saw much worse and so I hid you from him and intercepted him at your house."

I shook my head in disbelief. This is all crazy. "Edward would never hurt me, Alice. He's proven that over and over."

"But he's under the influence of something, Bella." She says earnestly. "His defenses are down. You saw his reaction to you now just outside. I imagine once he's recovered, and I don't know how long that will take, he's going to beat himself up over the whole thing. His judgment has been impaired and he's not thinking clearly. All he thought was that he wanted to see you; he didn't know that his reaction to you would be like that, like the first time. Bella, I saw you dead, by him."

"Edward's not a threat to me, Alice." I swipe at the tears on my cheeks. "No. I don't believe that. Something else caused that reaction. He would never hurt me."

"Not consciously no, but what makes a drunk person get behind the wheel of a car? What makes someone high walk on train tracks? For everyone's sake, Bella, until whatever this is passes, I'm not leaving your side. I won't let him near you."

Her mind is made up. I still don't understand the situation or how any of this happened, but I know that resolve she's showing and there's just no way I'll see Edward until this passes.

Whatever it is.

"Alice," Esme says softly. Alice looks like she wants to look anywhere but at her mother, but sucks it up and musters the courage to look her in the eye. "I'll stay here with Bella. I think you need to go talk to Carlisle."

**Edward**

Bella is sound asleep in her own bed with I drop silently onto the floorboards of her room. I inhale deeply and let her scent assault my senses, the aching burn slides down my throat and the venom pools in my mouth.

Just like normal.

I kneel down on the floor at the head of her bed and her body is facing mine. How could I put her in jeopardy like that? How could I have made such a poor judgment decision?

Because, as Alice is saying, I was drunk. How odd. Something I never thought I could be. I had never had that particular human experience and just assumed that I never would once I was changed. But there is something that can impair us, dull our senses and rational thought process.

Thank God for Alice.

How do I apologize to Bella for that? She was terrified, that much was obvious. She was expecting the boy she loved; who had saved her life more often than I care to think about; the boy who loves her beyond reason. What she got was the long buried monster who has been craving her blood since our very first encounter. If it hadn't been for Alice, he might have succeeded.

Bella's unfailing trust and faith in me prevented her from going back into the Bed and Breakfast on her own. She firmly believes I would never hurt her and I consciously had begun to believe that too up until a few days ago when I discovered she still very well could die by my monster's hand.

This visit reminds me of my early days of sneaking in here before she knew I did it; before she was even my friend. I would try to accustom myself to her scent, and study her while she slept. It was a time when I was convinced I would be able to do no more than that; no more than to sit close to her and wish and wonder what it would be like if she were truly mine.

Now she is and I just about fucked it all up.

Or she was at least until I came stumbling to see her the other night when I should have been running in the opposite direction.

My behavior was pretty atrocious. I should have known better than to even be in the same state as her when I was like that.

Unlike before when I secretly stole into her room, I can touch her this time. Even though I know I shouldn't, I reach my hand out and glide my finger down her cheek. Her eyes snap open and widen in alarm. She knows better than to really believe she could ever outrun me, but her instincts were to steer clear. I can't say she's _ever_ had that particular reaction to me. I remember a night from that earlier time when I wondered if a dead heart could break. Believe me, it can.

"Oh, Bella." I say softly, then drop my head to my hands. I can't stand to see the fear on her face. "I'm so sorry. I can't begin to even convey just how sorry I am. You never should have seen that; I never should have come for you that night. I never would have if I had known I'd have that kind of reaction to you."

"Edward, what was wrong? Are you all right?" The tension is gone from her and it is replaced only with compassion and tenderness. "Alice said you were drunk. How is that even possible? Are you sick? How can you be sick?"

"Bella, please don't show concern like that; I don't deserve it. That was inexcusable."

"But I don't understand what happened." she whispers and slides across the bed to me, where I'm still kneeling. She wraps one hand in my hair and other down my face. I don't deserve this from her, but on the other hand, this type of reaction is in her nature and I can't deny her need to express how she feels either.

Always a Catch 22 with this one.

"I gave in to Jasper and Emmett, that's what happened." I groan. "I don't know exactly how it works, but there's something in that deer blood that apparently _does_ that to us. We've never encountered anything like that before. It was…fun… to be so free like that, to feel so out of control. I just never thought it would overflow like that."

"Don't do that again." She insists, pulling my head to her shoulder and holding on tightly.

"I won't; I promise."

"No, I mean ever." She says adamantly. "I can't stand what it does to you, how upset you are." Of course, no mention of the fact that I would have killed her; that it clearly brought out the monster in me. No, of course she makes no mention of that.

"I promise. I'll hunt something else when we go there. I'll stay away from the deer."

**Bella**

"The Atropa Belladonna…" Carlisle begins.

"Wait a minute, _what _did you call it?" Emmett immediately interrupts.

"The Atropa Belladonna," Carlisle begins again, "commonly called the Belladonna is a perennial herbaceous plant. It is not native to the Pacific Northwest. It is grown in Europe, North Africa and Asia. However, there are _many_ uses of the plant for medicinal and cosmetic purposes and it's not uncommon for people to grow them in private gardens or greenhouses. It is one of the most toxic plants in the Western Hemisphere. All parts of the plant contain tropane alkaloids, with the berries posing the greatest danger because they smell and taste so sweet. Consumption of anywhere between 10 and 20 berries by an adult could be fatal."

"A killer Bella." Emmett mutters. "Who knew?" I scowled at him. I _could_ kill something if I wanted! Well, maybe nothing in this room, but if I wanted to kill _something_ I'm sure I could!

"The symptoms of belladonna poisoning include dilated pupils, sensitivity to light, blurred vision, tachycardia, loss of balance, staggering, headache, rash, flushing, dry mouth and throat, slurred speech, urinary retention, constipation, confusion, hallucinations, delirium, and convulsions. The plant's deadly symptoms are caused by atropine's disruption of the parasympathetic nervous system's ability to regulate subconscious activities like sweating, breathing, and heart rate speed."

"That all sounds extremely pleasant." I sigh.

"The irony is killing me." Emmett says again. He's not the only one.

"Out of curiosity," Jasper says. "What are its purposes?"

"Well, it has a wide variety of medicinal uses. It's been used for gastrointestinal disorder, menstrual cramps, motion sickness, headaches. It's been used cosmetically in the past, though is rarely today because it's been known to cause blindness.

"The fun part of belladonna, at least to us, is its folklore history. In the past, it was believed that witches used a mixture of belladonna, opium poppy, and other poisonous plants in the flying ointment they applied to help them fly to gatherings with other witches. It's been argued that flying ointments were preparations meant to encourage hallucinatory dreaming; a possible explanation for the inclusion of belladonna and opium poppy in flying ointments concerns the known antagonism between tropane alkaloids of belladonna and opiate alkaloids in the opium poppy, specifically morphine, which produces a dream-like waking state. The antagonism was known in folk medicine and posited as the explanation of how flying ointments might have actually worked in contemporary writing on witchcraft. The antagonism between opiates and tropanes is the original basis of the Twilight Sleep that was given to Queen Victoria to deaden pain as well as consciousness during childbirth, and which was later modified so that isolated alkaloids were used instead of plant materials. The belladonna herb was also notable for its unpredictable effects from toxicity."

"Well, that's incredibly ironic." Emmett repeats.

"You ain't kiddin'." Jasper agrees.

"There's more." Carlisle says.

"Of course there is." Emmett murmurs.

Edward looks riveted next to me. His hand slides down my hip and pulls me closer to the side of his body.

"Atropa Belladonna has also been used recreationally upon occasion because of the hallucinations and delirium it produces. However, the hallucinations have mostly been described as unpleasant and are considered extremely dangerous because of the high risk of fatal overdose. The central nervous system effects include severe confusion and memory disruption."

"But when mixed with vampire venom…" Alice prompts.

Carlisle pauses and smiles. "Apparently causes symptoms of intoxication." He finishes with flair and not a little joviality.

There's silence in the room. Emmett's right; talk about ironic!

"So what you're saying is Edward was literally drunk on Bella." Emmett says slowly and with a great amount of pride in his little joke there.

"Well, yes, Emmett. I guess you can say that."

Predictably, he starts roaring with laughter. It's not long before Jasper joins him. Rosalie and Alice roll their eyes but look amused nonetheless.

"That's all great, Carlisle, but how did _we_ ingest it?" Rosalie says.

"The deer. They eat plants and berries. As I said, it's very toxic. You've all ingested at least one deer that had eaten from the private crop of belladonna." Carlisle theorizes. 

"So simple." Jasper says.

"So, wait." Emmett says after he's recovered from his fit. "Are you going to tell us we can't hunt the deer up there?" He looks disappointed, but being Emmett, would take Carlisle's wishes as law.

"No, I would never presume to tell you what or where to hunt." Carlisle says gently. "I have never done so. Everyone is part of this family by their own wish. No one is forced to stay and you are all certainly old enough and mature enough to make your own decisions."

Emmett and Jasper look relieved.

"However, I am going to ask this." He continues. Everyone looks wary, except Edward who looks pleased and tightens his hold on me. "If you do hunt up there, please stay in Moran Park or the Cascades until the effects have worn off. There really is no telling how you might or might not react to humans if your faculties and judgment are impaired. We want to maintain the safety of the human population in our hunting territory, especially that of our own _beautiful lady_ here."

Carlisle smiles down at me and I can't help but smile back. This whole thing has been surreal and crazy. He could just ban them from hunting up there and they'd honor his wishes. They would be pissed off about it, but they'd honor him nonetheless. I'm glad that I won't be the cause of any more strife between anyone in the family.

"Fine. We won't drink and drive." Emmett says, then leans over and ruffles my hair. I smooth it back down and scowl at him.

"I'm not even going to drink." Edward mutters.

"Wuss." Emmett fires back.

Edward throws his fist out to punch Emmett, but Emmett blocks him. The two of them fall to the floor in a blurry heap.

"Boys!" Esme chastises, but it doesn't stop and Jasper piles on.

Boys, indeed.

THE END


End file.
